A fe
w week ago I made a commitment to myself. I want to write a book. Shhh! Not too loud. It scares the hell out of me.
I am afraid to take the first step. Fear entered my very bones as soon as I spoke the words out loud. “Oh my gosh what am I doing,” ran through my mind like a tornado in mid-summer. My self-confidence evaporated like raindrops on hot pavement.
The lies my mind told me were: FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE thoughts entered my mind.
Here is what my mind did for me as I put myself at risk. And telling people I am writing a book feels pretty risky:
- Fight: A battle began to emerge in my mind with reasons. Reason and more reasons of why? Why not? Should or shouldn’t? Don’t tell me! A huffy side came out as to keep people from approaching me with questions about writing a book. Prickly is what I felt my mood become.
- Flight: I immediately had the idea I could run away from the fear and anxiety. I could move to another city. Maybe another country. Change my name or change careers. Distance is what I thought I could created. At least that was what my mind dreamed up as a solution.
- Freeze: My favorite response. Don’t do anything. Paralyzed procrastination. Tomorrow was my mantra I’ll start. (still is on some days).
This is what minds do when we are afraid or anxious. Minds are doing their job to keep us safe. Sometimes too safe and life becomes small and our choices restricted. We are hard wire for survival and fight, flight or freeze is part of survival response the minds tells us to do automatically. We can experience fear of a physical threat or fear of a task or change.
Do you need to believe your mind when you are afraid or anxious? Can you make a different choice other than let your mind tell you what to do? Of course you can make choices outside of what your thoughts are telling you. You can still have fear and anxiety and have choice in how to act. However, don’t take my word for it.
See for yourself. Ask yourself, “Can you get up and go to work when your mind’s thoughts say, ‘Stay in bed, I’m tired or depressed?” I’ll bet you still go to work even when your mind says just the opposite.
What to do? How can you go beyond the fight, flight or freeze behavior? I am going to research this and give you the results with the next post. If you have any ideas I would love to hear from you.
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(c) Brenda Bomgardner, MA, NCC, BCC 2012
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Brenda! I love that you are writing a book! And, I love that you have written about what I call “the F-word” i.e. FEAR! I have to admit that although, like you, I work with therapists on managing and moving away from their fear, I, too, succumb to it all too often!
Thank you for calling it what it is – that’s the first step, isn’t it?! And, for reminding me to call it what it is, too! I actually believe that fear (yes, even my own!) is never a good place from which to make decisions. What I know is that while we do many things to manage our fears, there’s really only two things that are effective – either get more information (which often results in learning that we had no reason to be afraid) or to take action to protect yourself.
Looking forward to learning what you know about fear, too, Brenda . . . and what that book is about, too!
Tamara,
It a pleasure to talk with you about real feelings including the “F-Word” – FEAR. We all have stories we bring with us from our past based on fear. Often the stories, such as memories, hinder us from making choices to take effective action. We naturally tend to move away from uncomfortable feelings and memories by avoiding them.
What I have learned is we can lean toward and into the pain of self-doubt and insecurity in the service of a values-driven life in pursuing our dreams. It is like taking the fear with us as part of the ride just like a roller coaster knowing there are ups and downs. Facing my fear allows me to experience a sense of accomplishment. I am not saying this is easy. It can be hard, challenging and difficult. Just like any skill it takes practice to live our dreams.
I have a six week group starting July 25th which will focus on skills of connecting to dreams, putting together a game plan and overcoming the internal barriers (FEAR) that keep us from living a meaningful and fulfilling life.
I am not quite ready to let the cat out of the bag on the book. And yes…I am experiencing some fear. I can let you know it includes a focus with using Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT).
Love the support you offer to me and the community!
Hi Brenda,
Great post! Here’s my 2 cents worth: I don’t think that initially “mind” has very much to do with it. To me, the process begins in the body and depends on what survival strategy (Fight, Flight, Freeze, or all of the above) has been imprinted there. Because the sensations of that fear have their origin in the body, you can’t “think” your way out of them. Well, maybe you can, but it’s generally not very successful long term. Often times the “mindstuff” that goes along with the fear is just narrative about why we have those sensations/impulses/strategies in the first place. Plus, as you know, when the body has been hijacked by the Fight/Flight/Freeze response, the higher brain isn’t really online, so how can we reason our way out with something that isn’t even available in that moment? As a (mostly) Somatic therapist, I’d go into the body and track the sensations, impulses, thoughts, beliefs and/or images that accompany each strategy. I’d bet there is some pretty intense energy cooped up in there that is yearning to express itself, and eventually be released. The body has an amazing language of its own, and knows inherently what it needs to do to heal. Sometimes the brain needs to get out of the way to allow the body to speak its truth.
Hi Misha,
Glad to have you stop by and share your wisdom. I appreciate your insightful 2 cents to pointing out the automatic response our bodies have to fear. I agree our “lizard” brain is a gift to make sure we do survive in time of threat. Certainly, the “wizard” brain, which is the logic (higher) part of our brain goes, “off line” when in perceived crises. It is an ancient response hard wired into us from a time when the threat from lions and tigers was real.
I agree with you, we cannot “think” our way out of a natural “survival” response. And I want to add, research about mindfulness training is beginning to support mindfulness as a learned skill being useful to helping people create some space between an automatic “hijacked” response and choice. My hope is similar to a quote I like by Viktor Frankl,”between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
As a somatic therapist, you are on a similar road to helping individuals heal and without the chatter of the mind. Peter Levine’s research indicates our bodies know how to heal. We need to let it do what it knows how to do.
Stop back in anytime. I love to hear your input as it keeps me up to date in the art of healing.
Warmly, Brenda