Do you feel alone? You say you want to connect to people and you wish someone was there for you when you are down and out. You wish you could turn to someone who will listen. It is not unusual to feel alone in the world from time to time. However if you feel this way all the time you might be engaging in behaviors that sabotage your success to connection and emotional intimacy.
Building a support system of caring people takes work and dedication.
1) Being Right:
Nobody is right all the time. Let the other person have their ideas, opinion and their perspective. We all experience life from a different place based on our own history. Having to be right leaves no room in a relationship for the other person to flourish. Being right puts people off. It’s fine to have a voice in the relationship and to express it. The difference is a way to become differentiated. The process of differentiated is exactly what allows for two people to link together. It makes room for connection.
I had a supervisor tell me once, You can be right all the time or you can have relationship, but you can’t have both.. Which do you want?
2) Controlling (direct or indirect):
Do you like your freedom? So does everybody else. Direct control is telling a person how they should be living, acting, thinking:
- What to wear
- Who to have for friends
- When to do things like chores.
- Where they are allowed to go.
The direct control is often paired with a threat of a negative consequence. In the long run control in the way of punishment does not work. It only makes the other person sneaky or it pushes them out of the relationship
Indirect control might look like pouting. Clinging behavior. Whining. Oppsies like accidentally burning dinner. And even being late for a commitment.
Ask yourself, ” How does controlling another serve me. What is the function of trying to control another?” Is your answer pointing to a fear? Fear of being left and abandoned?
3) Unabridged Self-expression
Realize that your words and emotions need to be palatable. Can another person swallow what you are expressing? If not it is like being in the middle of throw-up. It can be overwhelming to be with someone who says whatever is on their mind without any thought about how they effect another person. I am all for honesty and being authentic. It should not be brutal! Brutal honesty is …. brutal. A person can speak their truth without being cruel.
Freedom is knowing you can pick and choose how and what you want to express in a way that is in alignment with the person you aspire to be in life.
Need I say much about this one. Let’s get even!! If you are doing things with the intent, “I’ll show them!” then you will be sure to push people away. If you upset, angry or hurt, talk about it. Let the other person make it right if that is what you need or want. Restorative justice is allowing the other make right the wrong they have done to another.
We all have done this one. When we are hurt it is normal to withdraw. AND there is a time to comeback into relationship. To reconnect. It’s great when you can say to another when you need to take time out AND when you want to reengage. Withdraw removes the opportunity for growth and connection. Withdrawal fit into the strategy of retaliation and control. It’s is not only abandoning the other it is a form of abandoning yourself. Come on. You are strong enough to hand in there and search for resolution. Courage and vulnerability.
If these are patterns in your life that keep you on the bottom feeling alone and sad you might want to look for a way to be more accountable. Most of the strategies have worked well at some point in your life. The problem is these strategies are no longer working.
I had a client who was feeling desperately alone in life as if in the battle and loosing the war. Ready to give up. She wanted to find a new direction on being a more approachable person. She wanted to be included. Once she got clear on who and what mattered most to her it was easy for her to know how to form new habits.
Related articles on the internet:
- 10 Questions to Transform Problems Into Opportunities and Growth (thehealersjournal.com)
Leave a comment bellow if you have ideas about other strategies people use that keep them down and out. Also, what works in being more connected.
(C) Copyright 2015 Brenda Bomgardner
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