Biggest Bang for the Buck: Part Four ~ Ending Therapy and Saying Good-Bye

April 16, 2011 By Brenda Bomgardner 16 Comments

This is part four of a four part series on how to find a therapist and make the most of your therapy sessions.

Therapy starts with the end in mind. The end begins the moment you make your first appointment. There is an end to the call and the end to the first session and eventually an end to treatment.

I recommend periodically taking the time to evaluate your goals within therapy with your therapist. What did you want to work on in the beginning and do you feel you have made progress? If not is it time to switch to a new therapist? Should you set new goals with your current therapist?

Ending therapy allows you to practice what you have learned independent of your therapist and to develop greater autonomy. Basically, emancipation is the goal. Ideally, a therapist eventually works himself or herself out of a job with each client.

Before leaving therapy, take time to talk about your feelings, fears, joys, and anxiety about ending therapy. Old issues will often come up towards the end as you look back. With looking back you can assess where you are now and where you want your future to be headed. You can look at ending therapy as a new adventure.

Take full responsibility for the work you have done in therapy.
Make a final appointment and leave with a face to face good-bye.
Show yourself compassion if it is difficult to say good-bye.
Be honest with yourself and your therapist.
Allow yourself to feel the loss. You are gaining insight and wisdom.
Make a clean break to allow yourself to feel your own accomplishments.

3662367459_0fe3c34b8d[1] — Good Bye Eye Tears

Comments

Jules says
April 16, 2011 at 7:40 am
Brenda; my note is a tad off topic yet I think its a valid issue in therapeutic relationships.
As someone who got “stuck” in america’s mental health system for nearly 2 decades…I appreciate what you are saying here. It was only the final therapy relationship that even mentioned that this was the goal – that I’d learn the skills to be my own therapist (figuratively speaking).
The previous “therapeutic” relationships? Told me I was intellectualizing if I asked about goals or brought in reference material with questions and punished me by telling me I was “difficult” if I questioned their authority over my life or disagreed with their path or model. There never was a treatment plan that was followed, never any objectives, never any “psycho education”.
In the end – I’d resigned myself to live with the falsehood that I had a “brain disorder” and was completely incapable of ever changing. After all – they were the “professionals” right? And I’d been conditioned in the original abuse that drove me to seek help to not question “authority” so I was perfect prey for this kind of authoritarian abuse and control tactics.
In hindsight – I can see that there was never any insightful therapy going on BECAUSE I’d been labeled with a “biological” disease and that the drugs were actually exacerbating and causing the “symptoms’ of this mysterious “disease” that had suddenly shown up as I prepared to escape my violent husband and cult “non denomination” church that supported his violence to control my lack of “submission” ie independence. My trauma history of childhood sexual abuse was never addressed nor was the religious abuse or the interpersonal violence in my marriage. Instead – I was told I was “sick” and these drugs would “fix me”. Instead the drugs stole my mind and “flattened” my emotions, crippled my body and all the while these horrible side effects were used to justify this pseudo science and malpractice.
Therapists never taught me anything and forged a dependent relationship that benefited them financially as my insurance continued to pay and I was reported as “resistant” and “lacking insight” and whatever else they did to continue their residual income that left me crippled by both the drugs and these dysfunctional and abusive relationships.
It was a miracle that I ever escaped this abusive cycle of dependence and it happened only after I stopped taking all the drugs that inhibited my ability to think, reason or act of my own volition and connected with a therapist wise enough to see the crippling effects of this model of “treatment” and in turn modeled healthy boundaries and actually taught me how to recognize this and avoid it in the future.
I realize this is off the topic of this post and perhaps your blog in general – your post on the goal of therapy is to end therapy triggered many feelings for me as I still try to make sense of how my life was forever changed by ineffective “therapy” that told me I was sick and would be sick and dependent “for life.
Reply
- Brenda Bomgardner says
  April 16, 2011 at 11:45 pm
  Jules,
  I agree with you. It is a miracle you escaped from the abusive cycle set in motion from the horrific experience of childhood sexual abuse. When I read your comments I can only imagine the anger and perhaps even rage you feel about the ineffective therapy you received for almost two decades.
  It sounds like you gained insight from your most recent “wise” therapist. I see eye to eye with you about a therapist being in the position to model healthy boundaries. Additionally, safety and honesty are dynamics within the therapeutic relationship to be explored as trust begins to develop.
  Thank you for the comments, as they are relevant to the topic of ending therapy. I will get back with this topic in more detail in a few weeks as it is worthy of further discussion.
  Reply
  - Jules says
    April 17, 2011 at 11:44 am
    Brenda; yes. I’ve had much anger and have done much grief work at the life I lost to this newest form of institutionalization via chemical lobotomy. And while I don’t believe that Melanies comment about being responsible for oneself is directed at me (although I suppose it could be but I”m not about to make that assumption since it was not directed to me) – it does trigger the feelings that come with being blamed for being abused. Just as in the past rape victims were blamed for being raped, and domestic violence survivors leave others wondering why they stay….today psychiatric survivors who were victims of this kind of abuse are being re-victimzed yet a 3rd time by a society that refuses to acknowledge the imbalance of power in these kinds of relationships.
    Anyway – thank you for giving me audience; I appreciate your sensitivity to this issue and your validation of my experiences and my feelings around it. I’ll look forward to reading more on this here in the future.
    Reply
    - Brenda Bomgardner says
      April 17, 2011 at 1:31 pm
      Jules,
      I want to give you recognition for your courage and commitment to your personal healing journey. It takes a lot of strength to stay the course. The discussion brought forth by your triggers is valid. Certainly, in the past rape victims as well as domestic violence victims have been blamed. Progress has been made in this area and there is still room for more improvement. Your voice is heard! You are a survivor!
      Again, it is apparent to me you have gained a lot of insight and wisdom from your journey. I am glad to have you share this difficult part of your healing journey.
      I would be glad to connect to you on a more personal and private level if you would like to discuss further.
      I have worked with clients who have moved towards empowerment as the create a life of thriving and are flourishing beyond the loss caused by a trauma.
      Thank you for the comments!
      Reply
Melanie Greenberg says
April 16, 2011 at 8:28 pm
This is good advice for clients to practice taking responsibility for themselves. Endings are hard and sometimes people wonder if they can make it on their own. If you consciously choose what you want to express in the final session, it can be an empowering as well as bittersweet ending.
Reply
- Brenda Bomgardner says
  April 16, 2011 at 11:58 pm
  Melanie,
  I appreciate your point of how people become empowered by taking responsibility. Endings are like an emptying your plate so you can fill it up again.
  Thanks for stopping in. I look forward to your next visit.
  Reply
elizabeth says
April 16, 2011 at 9:50 pm
Nice site fellow blogette! There’s lots of helpful and insightful information!!
Reply
- Brenda Bomgardner says
  April 17, 2011 at 12:04 am
  Elizabeth,
  Thank you for the compliment. Stop in anytime to visit.
  Reply
Sharon says
April 17, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Hi Brenda! I enjoyed meeting you at the Blogettes and thank you for taking a peek at my blog 🙂 The information contained on your site is so useful for anyone in therapy – I’m going to pass it on to a friend who’s having a difficult time with her son. Hope to see you again.
Reply
- Brenda Bomgardner says
  April 18, 2011 at 11:28 pm
  Sharon,
  It was a pleasure to meet you as well. I enjoyed talking with you. It is nice to be among women creating their dreams.
  Wamr regards,
  Reply
Jules says
April 23, 2011 at 7:11 am
I certainly appreciate the offer Brenda. I’m really fine with my process:) My comments are in part desiring to be heard on this valid issue of ending therapy is the goal as a trigger for me but also to bring awareness to the fact that this kind of abuse happens every day and victims of child abuse are perfect prey for this kind of oppression and control. Thank you for being brave to broach this issue with me and honoring my personal journey.
Reply
- Brenda Bomgardner says
  April 23, 2011 at 10:04 am
  Jules,
  Hope you check back next weekend. I will explore the topic further. I appreciate you stepping forth to give voice to an important issues concerning treatment.
  Also, I am glad to know you are currently doing good in your process.
  Warmly. Brenda
  Reply